The short answer: don’t argue with it and don’t walk away. Accept the answer for now, say what you have noticed without judgement, and leave the door clearly open. Then follow up a few days later. Most people do not open up the first time they are asked. They open up to the person who asked more than once.
“I’m fine” might be the most common sentence in any workplace. Sometimes it is true. Often it means “I don’t want to talk about it here”, “I don’t trust how you will react” or “I don’t know how to explain it yet”. In my own years of pretending everything was fine, the people who made a difference were never the ones who pushed. They were the ones who noticed, and kept noticing.
This article is part of our practical guide to workplace mental health training for UK employers.
Why do people say “I’m fine” when they’re not?
Understanding the reason helps you respond without taking it personally. The most common ones I hear are:
- Fear of how it will look. Worry that it will affect their job, their reputation or how their manager sees them.
- Wrong place, wrong time. A busy office, a team meeting or a corridor is not somewhere most people will talk.
- They don’t have the words yet. Something feels off, but they could not explain it even if they wanted to.
- Habit. Some people have been saying it for years. It comes out before they have even thought about the question.
- They don’t want to be a burden. Especially people who are usually the ones supporting everyone else.
None of these mean you should stop asking. They mean you need to make it easier to answer honestly.
What are the signs that “fine” might not be fine?
You are not looking for a diagnosis. You are looking for change from what is normal for that person. Things worth noticing include:
- Coming in later or leaving earlier than usual, or suddenly working much longer hours
- Pulling back from colleagues, skipping breaks or social moments
- More mistakes, missed deadlines or difficulty concentrating
- Being more irritable, tearful or flat than usual
- Looking tired, or changes in how they look after themselves
- More short absences, especially around weekends
- Jokes or throwaway comments about not coping, or about not being around
One sign on its own may mean nothing. A cluster of changes over a few weeks is worth a quiet conversation.
What should you say when someone says “I’m fine”?
1. Pick the right moment. Somewhere private, when neither of you is rushing. A walk, a coffee or a quiet corner works better than a meeting room with the door shut, which can feel like a disciplinary.
2. Say what you have noticed, not what you think is wrong. Stick to what you have seen, and keep it kind.
“You’ve seemed a bit quieter the last couple of weeks. I just wanted to check how you’re doing.”
3. If they say they’re fine, ask once more, gently. Not to catch them out, but to show you mean it.
“Okay. I only ask because I’ve noticed a few things. You don’t have to tell me anything, but I’m genuinely asking.”
4. Accept the answer. If they still say they are fine, do not push. Pushing is what closes the door. You have already done the important part, which is letting them know someone noticed.
5. Leave the door visibly open. Make it specific, so it feels real.
“If that changes, or you just want a chat, I’m around. Grab me any time, or send me a message.”
6. Follow up. A few days later, check in again, lightly. This is the step most people miss, and it is often the one that matters most. Many people only open up the second or third time, once they believe you actually meant it.
7. Point to support without making it a big deal. If your organisation has an EAP, mental health first aiders or other support, mention it in passing so they know it is there.
What should you avoid?
- Guessing out loud. “Is it your marriage?” or “Are you depressed?” puts people on the defensive.
- Fixing. Jumping straight to advice can make someone feel unheard.
- Promising secrecy. Never say “I won’t tell anyone” before you know what you are about to hear. If someone is at risk, you may need to act.
- Making it about you. A short “I’ve been there” can help. A long story about your own experience usually does not.
- Talking about it in front of others. Even with good intentions.
For more on opening these conversations, read How to Start a Conversation About Mental Health. If you manage people, How to Talk About Mental Health at Work: A Manager’s Guide covers the extra things managers need to think about, and Returning to Work After Mental Health Absence covers what to do when someone has been off.
What if you think it’s more serious?
Most “I’m fine” conversations are about someone having a hard time, and patience is the right response. But if you are worried someone might be thinking about suicide, it is okay to ask them directly. Asking does not put the idea in someone’s head. For many people it is a relief that someone finally asked.
“Sometimes when people are going through a lot, they think about ending their life. Is that something you’ve been thinking about?”
If they say yes, stay calm, stay with them, and help them get support straight away. You do not have to handle it alone.
- If someone is in immediate danger: call 999.
- Samaritans: 116 123, free, any time, day or night.
- Breathing Space (Scotland): 0800 83 85 87, free. Open 6pm to 2am Monday to Thursday, and from 6pm Friday through to 6am Monday.
- Shout: text SHOUT to 85258 for free text support.
- NHS 24 (Scotland) or NHS 111 (England and Wales): call 111 for urgent mental health help.
Then let the right person in your organisation know, following your own procedures. This is one of the situations where you should never promise to keep something to yourself.
Knowing what to say in these moments is exactly what good training builds. Our 90 minute Bitesize Workshop on supporting a colleague in distress is a practical place to start, and our Workplace Mental Health Qualifications cover suicide awareness at the appropriate levels.
Frequently asked questions
How many times should you ask if someone is okay?
Ask once, and if the answer sounds automatic, ask once more, gently. After that, accept what they say and follow up a few days later. Keep checking in lightly over time rather than pushing in one conversation.
What if they get annoyed that I asked?
That’s okay. Apologise for any awkwardness, say you asked because you care, and leave it there. Most people remember that someone noticed long after the awkward moment has passed.
Should I tell their manager or HR?
Not usually, if they have simply said they are fine. Respect their privacy. The exception is if you believe they are at risk of harm. Then follow your organisation’s procedures and get the right people involved.
What if it’s my manager who says they’re fine?
The same approach works. Managers often find it harder to admit they are struggling. A quiet, private check in from a colleague can mean a lot.
The bottom line
You do not need to get someone to open up in one conversation. You need them to know that someone noticed, that it is safe to talk, and that the offer still stands next week. That is often enough for someone to come back when they are ready.
If you would like your team to feel confident in these moments, book a free call and we will talk through what would help.