How to Break Free from People-Pleasing: Understanding the Roots and Reclaiming Your Power
People-pleasing might seem like a harmless personality trait, but for many, it’s a deeper, more complex response to fear and low self-worth. In this blog, we delve into why people-pleasing takes hold, its impact on mental health, and practical steps you can take to break free from this exhausting cycle.
What is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is more than just being nice. It’s when you habitually put other people’s needs ahead of your own, often at the expense of your own mental and emotional well-being. It stems from a desire to be liked, avoid conflict, or prevent rejection. But over time, this pattern can leave you feeling drained, unappreciated, and even resentful.
As mentioned in the Tickety Boo podcast, people-pleasing can be linked to the fight-or-flight response, specifically the “fawn” response, where you unconsciously placate others to keep the peace or prevent abandonment.
Why Do We Become People-Pleasers?
There are several underlying reasons why someone might fall into the pattern of people-pleasing:
- Low self-esteem: Feeling unworthy can drive you to seek validation from others by constantly doing things for them.
- Fear of rejection or conflict: You say yes to avoid arguments or being disliked.
- Desire to fit in: People-pleasers often seek approval, hoping that by agreeing with others, they will feel more accepted.
- External validation: In today’s world of social media, getting “likes” or positive comments can fuel the need to please.
“You might be using people-pleasing as a way to control how people see you,” explains Iona on the podcast. This deep-rooted need to be accepted often masks itself as kindness, but in reality, it’s driven by insecurity.
10 Signs You’re a People-Pleaser
It’s important to recognise the signs that you might be a people-pleaser. Some common traits include:
- You struggle to say “no.”
- You constantly seek approval from others.
- You avoid conflict at all costs.
- You feel anxious about others’ opinions of you.
- You apologise frequently, even when it’s unnecessary.
- You rarely carve out time for yourself.
- You feel guilty setting boundaries.
- You prioritise others’ needs over your own.
- You fear being called “selfish.”
- You base your self-worth on how much you do for others.
If any of these resonate with you, you might be stuck in a people-pleasing loop. But don’t worry, there are ways to break free.
How People-Pleasing Impacts Mental Health
While people-pleasing might feel like it keeps the peace, it can have serious repercussions on your mental health. Constantly putting others first can lead to:
- Emotional exhaustion: You end up drained because you rarely focus on your own needs.
- Resentment: When you give and give without receiving, it can lead to feelings of frustration.
- Loss of identity: People-pleasers often lose sight of their own values and desires, making it hard to know what they truly want.
As the podcast host Andy Griffiths points out, “People pleasers often struggle with setting boundaries, making them more susceptible to being manipulated or taken advantage of.”
10 Practical Ways to Stop People-Pleasing
Breaking free from people-pleasing habits takes time and self-awareness. Here are 10 ways to start putting yourself first:
- Practice Saying “No”: Start small. Say no to little things first and notice how it feels.
- Take Time Before Answering: Delay your responses when someone asks for your help. This gives you time to consider your priorities.
- Set Boundaries: Learn to establish limits around your time and energy. Remember, it’s okay to say no without feeling guilty.
- Schedule Time for Yourself: Regularly block out time to do things that nourish you—without interruptions.
- Stop Apologising: You don’t owe anyone an apology for setting boundaries or saying no.
- Work on Self-Worth: Your value isn’t defined by how much you do for others. Focus on internal validation, not external praise.
- Consider Your Priorities: Before agreeing to something, ask yourself if it aligns with your goals or if it’s something you’re doing out of obligation.
- Identify Toxic Relationships: If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, they may be taking advantage of your people-pleasing tendencies.
- Surround Yourself with Supportive People: Build a circle of friends and loved ones who respect your boundaries.
- Seek Therapy: If people-pleasing has deep roots in trauma, working with a therapist can help you uncover its origin and heal.
Conclusion: Reclaiming Your Power
People-pleasing may feel like a necessary survival tactic, but it ultimately takes away your power and autonomy. By recognising the signs, setting boundaries, and practising self-compassion, you can start to shift from people-pleaser to empowered individual. Remember, your needs and feelings are just as important as anyone else’s.
As Iona wisely noted in the podcast, “It’s about being better than you were yesterday, not perfect. Progress is what counts.”