EPISODE TEN

Please note this is a verbatim transcription from the original audio and therefore there may be some minor grammatical errors.

Dougie Jackson

Hi there, my name is Dougie Jackson, welcome along to a slightly longer edition of tickety boo for Mental Health Week 2021.

Chris Auker Howlett
Go back to First World War and the Second World War there would be soldiers who were not outwardly injured but they have been on constant barrage or a friend had died or whatever.

In those days you know some people go blind several couldn’t talk. Now we’ve got a functional MRI is where you can say something watch a film and you can see where the medications helping or not. In those days you couldn’t.

Dougie Jackson
On this episode, our resident clinician Andy Griffiths takes a deep dive into PTSD with a gentleman who during his military career, sacrificed more than most in service to his country and who now on civvy street continues to serve his local community.

Chris Auker Howlett
My name is Chris Auker Howlett, and I’m just over 50 I’m a disabled British Army veteran wheelchair user, and I’ve set up a group called Gloucester community networking. We offer networking between people have needs and resources that are out there.

Dougie Jackson
So we celebrate the 10th edition of the podcast that says it’s okay not to be okay. By conducting tickety boo tickety interview with a real hero.

Chris Auker Howlett
I joined the army in 1988. There’s an army catering core apprentice in shop two years of blowing up food and burning water and things like that. And then I went to the Airborne Brigade didn’t want to go into the Paras because we were always getting beaten up by them down in Aldershot but my grandfather was an ex para and worked in Palestine after the war. Did P company running up and down hills with a pack on your back and telegraph poles and beating the hell out of each other.

We went all over the world so everything from Kenya to Canada, Brunei several times then done jungle warfare training in Belize did a stint in Northern Ireland, around 1997. I was posted to Rwanda, in operation Gabriel as part of the United Nations humanitarian mission, I was attached to para engineer unit which was attached to a para medics unit, we have every reason to believe that acts of genocide have occurred. The best estimate now looking back is about 333 people being killed every hour for 100 days, neighbours were killing neighbours, many people are dying here, we’re just about to finish today’s distribution of 90 tons of food, they take it to the various camps and divide it to the families then 300-400 people dealt with 100 plus 1000 casualties. And that’s all linked into some of my mental health issues that happened after that. And then sort of got worse later on.

Dealing with death quite regularly there, the medics obviously saw far more than I did. But several people can see the same incident and be affected differently. And I bought into the stigma of not telling anybody about it. After I came back from Rwanda, there were issues where I would drink and then this sort of stuff would come out.

Andy Griffiths
Was there a delayed fuse from your service ending and then coming back into civvy Street. And then things started to unravel?

Chris Auker Howlett
On a Wednesday, we left Rwanda and then on a Friday, we were back in Aldershot, and then we’re one leave, you had a 20 minute talk to a psychologist in theatre in Rwanda. And that was it. It was really bizarre.

Then over the years, I would hide it, and then the alcohol would unleash it, and then I’ll put a lid on it. But then I went out doing jungle warfare training in Brunei. And I had a fall from a bridge I damaged both my knees and I ended up being medically discharged. So one minute I’m able to run around, you know, 10 miles, my lunch break and next. I walk crutches and I’ve left the army.

Dougie Jackson
And that’s when the problems really kicked in for Chris.

Chris Auker Howlett
That really knocked my resilience. And then my mental health regarding Rwanda started to appear. I had to put a lid on it. I couldn’t cope with it anymore. Then I left the forces. I went into social care. I became a social worker with children, families, and my legs did it again, I had a fall, and I had to leave that job. So I lost two careers through my legs.

Dougie Jackson
Not surprisingly, the trauma created by all of this spilled over into other aspects of Chris’s life first in his relationships, and then in other more frightening ways.

Chris Auker Howlett
Lots of arguing and things like that with family and friends, and so on. And then I’d get on a bus to go to Gloucester hospital to get hydrotherapy dip in the pool. And when I was seeing people, men and women on the bus, it was like an overlay of people in Rwanda that I was pretty sure weren’t alive.

Andy Griffiths
So to make sure we’ve understood this, right, you’re on the bus minding your own business, and you see somebody and it instantly triggers this response, these memories come back off seeing things in Rwanda.

Chris Auker Howlett
Yeah, it was bizarre. Of course, I didn’t tell anybody. I didn’t realise what I was seeing. I was thinking I was losing my mind to be honest.

Dougie Jackson
So was he able to access help at this point?

Chris Auker Howlett
I didn’t go to combat stress which is strange enough, because I didn’t I didn’t want to tell people because I I don’t know really, what what, what judgment is that would mean, luckily, I’ve got some friends who are ex forces, and they’ve gone through stuff from Bosnia, things like that. So I had a family that could still stand by me and some people, sadly can’t, because we get so bad, you get into the sort of automated way of thinking that what’s happened to you can’t stop and it just rules your life.

Andy Griffiths
Back then you didn’t have these ex Special Forces, TV celebrities bringing mental health to the forefront, you know, Matthew, Mark Billingham and that talk openly about issues, but even they talk about you are reluctant to deal with it back then because it was a medical discharge, it was your career over.

Chris Auker Howlett
My father served in Northern Ireland in the 60s when things were really bad. And when he was discharged, he had PTSD. He was violent at home, come home one day, and you’d be thinking, well, I can’t see anything smashed. So dad’s in a good mood. At those times. It’s like I just didn’t really understand what was going on. There’s a lot more supports offered by the military at the moment, because it’s been more widely talked about.

Unknown Speaker
and

Dougie Jackson
And talked about by ex veterans like Chris, who’ve got first hand experience at the coalface.

Chris Auker Howlett
The way I tried to explain Mental Health First Aid to people and mental health. You know, we’ve been told by the HSE, that you’ve got to have First Aiders for anyone who gets injured in the workplace. Well, that should be the same as mental health. You know, our brain is the most complicated thing people think there is in the universe, and can be damaged by simplest things like a knock or a virus. And some people can have horrendous head injuries and be reasonably okay with it. And I think the stigma is, is a big part of it.

Dougie Jackson
Now, as we’ve discussed on this podcast before, there is no physical health without mental health. However, picking up on Chris’s own personal story, how difficult was it accessing support when you’re fighting a battle on those two fronts at the same time.

Chris Auker Howlett
So I didn’t go to the combat stress, I eventually went to an NHS clinic. And I spent three or four weeks talking to this person. And then they said, though, they’ve got a new job. I said, When did you know you had this job? I went to the job several weeks ago, you knew you were taking me on? And you were looking at moving on? Should you have done that?

Dougie Jackson
So it was back to the drawing board with the now familiar question.

Chris Auker Howlett
What else is there available in order as a group trauma, and majority will probably be civilians? I said, Okay, then. So there’s me getting wound up again, thinking like, I’m gonna sit and talk to people who may not understand what I’m talking about. And then when I turned up in the wheelchair, the guy’s running it said, he was outside the building. And he said that, oh, you’re in a wheelchair. What do you mean, then, you know, and so we’re gonna get the front sheets of your case file and your contact details and stuff and it had steps so I could not join them. So I went home spitting feathers, and again, lucky that I had people who understood what sorts of things I was going through my mates and family, they said, right, put a complaint in tell them that this is not appropriate. And then I went back to the original clinic and saw another professional and she was amazing. But I can imagine so many people could just say, well, F you are not bothering the lid goes back on until it explodes.

Andy Griffiths
A lot of people do have frustrations about entering into a therapy journey. And it’s really important as Chris says, that the therapist comes on that journey with you. And continuity in therapy is really important. It’s like don’t start with someone if you can’t see it through to the end.

Chris Auker Howlett
Absolutely right.

Andy Griffiths
And so you’re dealing with this PTSD was your sort of response was one of anger. You know, you can get the fight flight freeze where you find yourself getting very frustrated, or we’d have to run away from this?

Chris Auker Howlett
It was more that I would keep away from it. I also then had a diagnosis of clinical depression as well. I just couldn’t see the wood for the trees and I just didn’t wanna talk to anybody about it. So then the nightmares would come in more. The scratching, we continue the sorts of things. I’d be more hyper alert, someone comes into the room, that sort of thing. It wasn’t so much like bangs and things. Any soldier, we’re here, bang, and they’ll look, there’s also things like I get a lot of agoraphobic. I went to the Gloucester docks once with some friends, and everything was absolutely fine. There’s no reason for me to get upset. But then I just felt tense, anxious, I started sweating. I was looking around everywhere. And I couldn’t explain it. I just said, I’m going. And I think I have a panic attack. At that time. I couldn’t sit back and reflect whilst I was doing it.

Andy Griffiths
Because you’re unable to process everything that’s happened to you. And you’re unconsciously and triggered in an environment and go, why do I feel like I need to escape from the situation.

Chris Auker Howlett
Absolutely.

Andy Griffiths
Obviously, you’re fighting this battle on two fronts, you’ve got the mental health issue, but you’ve also got physical injuries. So the mind and body are not in balance at all. So that is some journey that you need to go on to get those two things back in line.

Dougie Jackson
And that’s when completely by chance and during treatment for chronic physical pain. Chris was encouraged by his physio to consider a more holistic approach to his well being.

Andy Griffiths
This is the second time today that we’ve been talking to somebody. And they’re dealing with something or learning something completely unrelated. And then all of a sudden, there’s this revelation, and the like, Ah, this is what I’m dealing with. So you’re there dealing with pain management, and then through a conversation or related it prises, the door open to something else. And an opportunity presents itself and in your case you were fortunate to be referred on. But if you hadn’t been at that pain clinic, things could have gone very differently.

Dougie Jackson
Thankfully, from that one referral, Chris was able to access to help and discover the strategies that he needed in order to cope with his physical and mental issues. In a moment, we’ll hear how he knows shares those tools with other veterans and youngsters alike. First up, though, here’s Andy, on who actually gets PTSD.

Andy Griffiths
The thing is, you don’t have to be a soldier to have trauma, the word gets pushed around a lot. And whenever we think of PTSD, we think of you know, guys coming back from Afghanistan, but the reality is, kids can get it from watching stuff they’re not emotionally prepared for your imagination can give you PTSD, you can think of something happening or somebody describing a disaster. We can all get PTSD. We can grow up in unsafe environments can have people around us that pollute our mindset. All these things create traumas, these traumas tend to have these delayed fuse. It’s not like the trauma happens, then suddenly everything starts unravelling. What actually happens is weeks, months, sometimes years later, you’re going about your business pushing your trolley around or you’re on a bus, and then suddenly you start seeing dead people and flashbacks. And I think that’s the really frightening element because a person’s gone. I survived that. So why am I feeling this?

Chris Auker Howlett
I’ve worked with child protection cases, certain kids, because they can’t take it in or the body says, you know, you can’t take any more information. So put it in the box, put it out the way what I learned doing some breathing work, where we’ll get where the problem is, it’s like putty, put it in your hand. And the more you try to hold it in, so it doesn’t affect you. It starts to spurt out. Yeah, between the fingers. So it could be kid at school who is overly aggressive, and people will see him as a bad kid. The society is still in, in the way of if you do something or say something, and not a nice way, you’re a bad person. The more we find out about how the brain works and how we deal with life, I’m reading a book at the moment called releasing your Wow, it’s really easy to understand and talking about nature, nurture, you’re born in a certain way, you’ve got certain genes in you from your parents that you may be more likely to be an athlete or academic. You may have those triggers ready to go in your mind in your genes. If you don’t have family who will encourage you don’t do whatever you’d like Jean may not get switched on.

Andy Griffiths
We’re talking books, there’s a great book called The body keeps the score. And it’s all about PTSD and trauma. And it particularly goes into how the current approach in sort of psychology misses the point dealing with trauma. Point one is our capacity to destroy one another is matched by our capacity to heal one another. So restoring our relationships and our sense of community is vital to recovery.

Two, the language gives us power to change ourselves. So the things we say to ourselves ultimately affect us. They define who we are. Three, we have the ability to regulate our own physiology, the sort of so called involuntary functions of the body and the brain through breathing, moving, stretching, touching, exercising. And then the fourth thing is we can change social conditions to create environments in which children and adults can feel safe, where I think the traditional model is medicate. And actually, what we need to do is restore connections. I’m not saying we shouldn’t medicate because it can create that period of stability, but not just medicate, we’ve got to have a holistic approach towards healing and that is mind and body. So Chris, what would you say to somebody listening to this podcast today that feels like they’re struggling on some kind of level?

Chris Auker Howlett
I would say, find somebody that you have confidence in, it’s okay to say you’re not okay. Like you said. Silence kills, the more you keep things in your head. People can’t help you aren’t mind reader’s. But also, if you’re finding things, too much your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, if they seem to change from the norm, speak about it. I go to parties, and I will talk to certain people about mental health. I had testicular cancer in 2010. Most blokes wouldn’t touch that that conversation, but that’s my party piece. I will talk about it. And several blokes contacted me after and said, I found a lump. I went to a doctor. And luckily they were all benign, they weren’t cancerous, but they wouldn’t checked. So the same thing with mental health and we talk about the more we talk about it more, it’s okay to talk about it. And then people will open up to you because the stigma is not there.

Andy Griffiths
All of us need to get into our heads that it’s okay not to feel okay. But it’s definitely not okay not to talk about it or take action and do something. And that’s the issue, isn’t it? People reluctant to come forward to not speak to parents, partners, employees, and that’s the secret sauce to cracking this thing open and dealing with it.

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