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How to Break Free from People-Pleasing: Understanding the Roots and Reclaiming Your Power

How to Break Free from People-Pleasing

How to Break Free from People-Pleasing: Understanding the Roots and Reclaiming Your Power

People-pleasing might seem like a harmless personality trait, but for many, it’s a deeper, more complex response to fear and low self-worth. In this blog, we delve into why people-pleasing takes hold, its impact on mental health, and practical steps you can take to break free from this exhausting cycle.

What is People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing is more than just being nice. It’s when you habitually put other people’s needs ahead of your own, often at the expense of your own mental and emotional well-being. It stems from a desire to be liked, avoid conflict, or prevent rejection. But over time, this pattern can leave you feeling drained, unappreciated, and even resentful.

As mentioned in the Tickety Boo podcast, people-pleasing can be linked to the fight-or-flight response, specifically the “fawn” response, where you unconsciously placate others to keep the peace or prevent abandonment.

Why Do We Become People-Pleasers?

There are several underlying reasons why someone might fall into the pattern of people-pleasing:

  • Low self-esteem: Feeling unworthy can drive you to seek validation from others by constantly doing things for them.
  • Fear of rejection or conflict: You say yes to avoid arguments or being disliked.
  • Desire to fit in: People-pleasers often seek approval, hoping that by agreeing with others, they will feel more accepted.
  • External validation: In today’s world of social media, getting “likes” or positive comments can fuel the need to please.

“You might be using people-pleasing as a way to control how people see you,” explains Iona on the podcast. This deep-rooted need to be accepted often masks itself as kindness, but in reality, it’s driven by insecurity.

10 Signs You’re a People-Pleaser

It’s important to recognise the signs that you might be a people-pleaser. Some common traits include:

  1. You struggle to say “no.”
  2. You constantly seek approval from others.
  3. You avoid conflict at all costs.
  4. You feel anxious about others’ opinions of you.
  5. You apologise frequently, even when it’s unnecessary.
  6. You rarely carve out time for yourself.
  7. You feel guilty setting boundaries.
  8. You prioritise others’ needs over your own.
  9. You fear being called “selfish.”
  10. You base your self-worth on how much you do for others.

If any of these resonate with you, you might be stuck in a people-pleasing loop. But don’t worry, there are ways to break free.

How People-Pleasing Impacts Mental Health

While people-pleasing might feel like it keeps the peace, it can have serious repercussions on your mental health. Constantly putting others first can lead to:

  • Emotional exhaustion: You end up drained because you rarely focus on your own needs.
  • Resentment: When you give and give without receiving, it can lead to feelings of frustration.
  • Loss of identity: People-pleasers often lose sight of their own values and desires, making it hard to know what they truly want.

As the podcast host Andy Griffiths points out, “People pleasers often struggle with setting boundaries, making them more susceptible to being manipulated or taken advantage of.”

10 Practical Ways to Stop People-Pleasing

Breaking free from people-pleasing habits takes time and self-awareness. Here are 10 ways to start putting yourself first:

  1. Practice Saying “No”: Start small. Say no to little things first and notice how it feels.
  2. Take Time Before Answering: Delay your responses when someone asks for your help. This gives you time to consider your priorities.
  3. Set Boundaries: Learn to establish limits around your time and energy. Remember, it’s okay to say no without feeling guilty.
  4. Schedule Time for Yourself: Regularly block out time to do things that nourish you—without interruptions.
  5. Stop Apologising: You don’t owe anyone an apology for setting boundaries or saying no.
  6. Work on Self-Worth: Your value isn’t defined by how much you do for others. Focus on internal validation, not external praise.
  7. Consider Your Priorities: Before agreeing to something, ask yourself if it aligns with your goals or if it’s something you’re doing out of obligation.
  8. Identify Toxic Relationships: If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, they may be taking advantage of your people-pleasing tendencies.
  9. Surround Yourself with Supportive People: Build a circle of friends and loved ones who respect your boundaries.
  10. Seek Therapy: If people-pleasing has deep roots in trauma, working with a therapist can help you uncover its origin and heal.

Conclusion: Reclaiming Your Power

People-pleasing may feel like a necessary survival tactic, but it ultimately takes away your power and autonomy. By recognising the signs, setting boundaries, and practising self-compassion, you can start to shift from people-pleaser to empowered individual. Remember, your needs and feelings are just as important as anyone else’s.

As Iona wisely noted in the podcast, “It’s about being better than you were yesterday, not perfect. Progress is what counts.”

 

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Ian Young

Ian Young

Training & Development

Tagline: Grounded, real and genuinely hard to forget.

LinkedIn:

Ian is an experienced therapist whose work spans trauma, addiction, anxiety and recovery. His approach is shaped as much by lived experience as by professional training and that combination makes him exceptionally relatable to the people he works with.

People who’ve worked with Ian consistently say the same thing — he gets it in a way that goes beyond what most trainers can offer. He doesn’t just understand the subject. He understands people.

Within Piece of Mind Training, Ian also plays a key role in business and strategic development, bringing a practical, grounded perspective to how the organisation grows and evolves.

David

David Gowans

Training & Development

Tagline: He’s seen mental health crisis at its most acute. And he knows what actually helps.

LinkedIn:

David’s background is probably unlike anyone else you’ll meet in a mental health training room.

Twenty-three years on the frontline of emergency services first as a police officer, now as an HCPC-registered practising paramedic. He hasn’t studied stress, trauma and burnout from a distance. He’s carried them, in uniform, responding to people at the absolute worst moments of their lives. He understands the culture that makes asking for help feel like the hardest thing in the world because he’s lived inside that culture.

That frontline experience sits alongside his clinical practice as a qualified hypnotherapist and accredited EFT practitioner. David works with real people navigating real challenges every single week. What he brings to Piece of Mind Training isn’t theoretical. It’s current, grounded and built entirely from the inside out.

As part of the team, David delivers training, practises as a therapist and plays a key role in the development and direction of the organisation making sure that everything Piece of Mind produces is professionally rigorous and genuinely human.

David is responsible for development and ensures that Piece of Mind Training programmes are grounded in real-world application. Not what the textbook says should happen. What actually works when it matters.

Iona

Iona Russell

Growth & Partnerships

Tagline: She’s written the book. Literally.

Iona has spent more than twenty years working at the intersection of human potential and real-world impact — across psychology, coaching, education, broadcasting, the charitable sector and social policy, in both the UK and the USA.

She is a Master Positive Psychology Coach and twice bestselling author who has supported hundreds of people through coaching qualifications and worked alongside some of the most respected names in positive psychology and personal development. As a keynote speaker and leadership advisor, she helps organisations rethink what success and human flourishing actually look like.

But what drives Iona’s commitment to mental health work goes deeper than her professional background. She lost her brother to suicide. That experience — and everything it taught her about the gap between what people are going through and the support available to them — shapes everything she brings to Piece of Mind Training.

At Piece of Mind, Iona leads our partnerships, builds community impact and drives our growth across Scotland and beyond. She brings commercial insight, deep human understanding and a personal reason for being here that no CV can fully capture.

Ann

Ann Stewart

Head of Training

Tagline: The person who makes sure the learning delivers every time.

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Ann has spent her career helping people make sense of the things that are weighing on them and finding a way forward when everything feels tough.

Her background is genuinely rare. A qualified teacher, certified hypnotherapist, coach and First Aid for Mental Health practitioner, Ann brings together an understanding of how people learn with a deep, practical knowledge of how people struggle. She still works directly with adults and young people every week supporting those experiencing anxiety, low confidence, emotional distress and the kind of quiet difficulties that don’t always have a name but make everyday life feel impossibly hard.

As a trainer, Ann knows that the best mental health training doesn’t just inform people, it changes how they see themselves and the people around them. She brings that belief into every session she delivers, whether she’s working with a room full of HR professionals or a team who’ve never talked about mental health at work before.

As a therapist, trainer, teacher and mum of three, Ann understands that most people are dealing with far more than anyone around them realises. That understanding is the foundation of everything she does.

At Piece of Mind Training, Ann leads on training quality and consistency, making sure that what we promise is what every learner experiences, every time.

Andy Griffiths

Andy Griffiths

Founder

Tagline: The man who built this because he needed it himself.

Qualifications include:

Clinical Hypnotherapy

NLP

Psychotherapy

CBT Coaching

Trauma-Informed Practice.

Andy is a practising therapist, clinical hypnotherapist and the founder of Piece of Mind Training. He’s spent over a decade working with clients across anxiety, trauma, panic disorder and complex mental health presentations not as a theorist, but as someone who has experienced many of these challenges himself.

His personal journey through mental health struggles, panic disorder and years of pretending everything was fine is the reason Piece of Mind Training exists. He built what he wished had existed when he needed it most.

As a trainer, Andy is known for his directness, his warmth and his ability to make people feel genuinely seen. He doesn’t stand behind a slide deck and talk at people. He brings the subject into the room.

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