Which failures do you cherish the most?
That was the question that came out of the card pull on a recent episode of our podcast, Tickety Boo, with all four of us around the table for the first time. It’s not one you can answer quickly, because failure rarely feels valuable while you’re standing in the middle of it.
It doesn’t feel like a lesson at the time
When something goes wrong, we want answers. Why did this happen? What did I do wrong? What am I supposed to learn from this? Often there isn’t an answer yet. You’re still in the emotion of it, and the lesson hasn’t shown itself.
Some of the things I once saw as my biggest failures have turned out to be the biggest blessings. For years, anxiety had a real grip on my life. I didn’t understand it and I didn’t deal with it well. Yet that’s what led me to the work I do now, helping other people with the same thing.
Sometimes the lesson only makes sense when you look backwards.
Failure, feedback or redirection?
In therapy there’s an old idea that there’s no such thing as failure, only feedback. Around the table, other words came up too: setback, challenge, redirection.
One of our team described her biggest lesson as following her heart into a career without doing her homework first. At the time it was distressing. Looking back, it’s a big part of why she’s where she is today.
Another said his most important failure was not really listening to people. He spent years waiting for his turn to talk. When that changed, everything changed: work, friendships and relationships.
How fear of failure keeps us stuck
A lot of our suffering comes from trying so hard not to get it wrong. None of us set out to fail, but many of us stay stuck in indecision because we’re frightened of making a mistake.
So people stay in the job they’ve outgrown, the relationship that isn’t working, the town they want to leave. They don’t start the business, ask the person out or book the course, because what if it doesn’t work?
The question we ask much less often is: what if it does?
Fear of failure is one of the biggest thieves of dreams.
When I first thought about starting this podcast, my brain went straight to “what if nobody listens?” We’ve now released well over a hundred episodes. If I’d waited until I was sure it would work, it would never have started.
Look at the feeling behind the fear
Fear often has another feeling sitting behind it. Ask yourself what you’re really afraid of. Usually it’s something like embarrassment, rejection or looking an idiot.
Then ask: to whom? Often it’s an invisible audience of people who aren’t paying nearly as much attention as we imagine. We stay stuck to avoid the opinion of someone who may never think about us at all.
When we ignore the lesson
There’s another side to this. Sometimes we’ve had the lesson, we know the lesson, and we still don’t act on it. We repeat the same pattern again and again.
Usually there’s a reason. The pattern might be part of how we see ourselves, or there’s something we get from staying where we are. Noticing that is the first step to making a different choice next time.
How to make friends with getting it wrong
- Give it time. If you’re in the middle of something painful, you don’t need to find the lesson yet.
- Change the word. Try calling it feedback, a setback or a redirection, and notice how it feels.
- Ask what it gave you. Which of your past failures shaped who you are now?
- Find the feeling behind the fear. What are you really afraid of, and whose opinion are you worried about?
- Commit to the process. Success is usually built on a long line of things that didn’t quite go to plan.
- Get help with stubborn patterns. If you keep repeating the same loop, a good therapist can help you unpick the beliefs behind it.
If worrying about being judged is part of what holds you back, our article on how to stop caring what other people think may help too.
If you need support
If fear, worry or low mood are holding you back, speak to your GP. Out of hours in Scotland, call NHS 24 on 111.
Samaritans: call 116 123, free, any time.
If somebody is in immediate danger, call 999.
Questions people ask about fear of failure
Why am I so afraid of failure?
For most people, fear of failure is really fear of what failure might mean: embarrassment, rejection or not feeling good enough. Those feelings are uncomfortable, so we avoid the risk altogether, even when staying where we are is making us unhappy.
How do I stop fear of failure holding me back?
Start by naming the feeling behind the fear and asking whose opinion you’re really worried about. Take small steps rather than waiting to feel certain, and look back at past setbacks that turned out to be useful.
Can failure be a good thing?
Often, yes. Many people find that the things that went wrong taught them the most, or pointed them in a better direction. It rarely feels that way at the time, which is why giving it time matters.
When should I get help with fear of failure?
If fear of getting it wrong is stopping you making decisions, keeping you stuck in situations that make you unhappy, or is tied up with anxiety, it’s worth talking to a therapist.
You can hear more conversations like this on the Tickety Boo podcast.
This article is part of my guide to anxiety therapy in Glasgow.
If fear is keeping you stuck
Fear of getting it wrong often sits on top of older beliefs about ourselves. Unpicking those is the work I do in the therapy room, in person at my practice in Carmyle, Glasgow, or online. It starts with a free 20 minute consultation.