What did you once spend ridiculous amounts of time worrying about that you genuinely couldn’t care less about now?
Being liked. Looking stupid. Having the right clothes, the right car, the right answers. What other people thought of you.
That was the question on a recent episode of our podcast, Tickety Boo. It isn’t about becoming cynical or not caring about anything. It’s about the freedom that comes when you realise you don’t have to spend your life worrying about everyone else.
The things we stop caring about
Around the table, the answers came quickly:
- Looking successful rather than being successful
- Winning every argument
- Being liked by everyone
- Never missing a night out, just in case
- Having a big circle of friends
- Buying things to prove a point
Each of these took a huge amount of energy at the time. Looking back, none of them mattered quite as much as we thought.
It’s rarely about the thing itself
Wanting to look successful usually means we’ve looked at someone else and decided that’s what success looks like. We end up measuring ourselves with somebody else’s stick.
Needing to win every argument often has more to do with needing to be right than with the argument itself. And arguments aren’t really conversations. They’re a war of attrition to see who gives up first.
Needing to be liked isn’t really about acceptance. It’s about staying safe from rejection. That fear of not belonging runs deep, and it can lead us to put up with things we normally wouldn’t, just so we don’t feel left out.
Underneath most of it is a fear of not belonging.
There’s often another feeling sitting underneath, too. The urge to impress might really be a feeling of not being good enough. Rather than sitting with that feeling and asking whether it’s true, we do something on the surface to make it go away: buy the expensive thing, say yes to the party, agree with the loudest voice in the room.
Why it gets easier as we get older
Many people find they care less about what others think as they get older, and there may be a reason for that in the brain. Research on emotional ageing suggests older adults tend to react less strongly to negative information than younger people do.
Experience helps too. You learn which relationships really matter. Friendships become fewer but deeper. A friend you haven’t seen in years can feel like you saw them yesterday.
Choosing who you spend your time with is a kind of emotional pruning: cutting back the branches that no longer serve you so the rest can grow.
The people around you matter
The people around us shape how we see ourselves. Spend your time with people whose banter is cruel, who pick at how you look or how you dance, and you start being cruel to yourself too. Spend it with people who build you up, and the self consciousness starts to fade.
Often, the harshest critic we’re hiding from is ourselves.
The regret nobody wants
Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse, spent years listening to the regrets of people at the end of their lives. The most common one was wishing they’d had the courage to live a life true to themselves, not the life others expected of them.
That’s a sobering thought. Not everyone can drop everything and do what they love, and the bills still need paying. But there are usually more choices than we think, and fear of what other people might say is often the main thing in the way.
How to care a little less
- Notice whose stick you’re using. When you feel you’re falling short, ask who decided what good enough looks like.
- Look for the feeling underneath. If you’re about to do something to impress, ask what you’re really feeling. Inferior? Left out? Is that story actually true?
- Check in with your values. Decisions made from your own values tend to sit better than decisions made for an audience.
- Choose your people. Spend more time with those who are on a similar journey and want good things for you.
- Try the headstone question. Not to be morbid, but ask how you’d like to be remembered. It’s rarely about things, and almost always about people, experiences and making a difference.
- Be kind to yourself. This takes practice and time. Self compassion helps far more than self criticism.
If saying yes when you mean no is a pattern for you, our article on breaking free from people pleasing goes further.
If you need support
If worrying about what other people think is affecting your confidence, relationships or mood, speak to your GP. Out of hours in Scotland, call NHS 24 on 111.
Samaritans: call 116 123, free, any time.
If somebody is in immediate danger, call 999.
Questions people ask about caring what others think
Why do I care so much about what other people think?
Wanting to belong is deeply human. For most of our history, being pushed out of the group was genuinely dangerous. Today that same fear can make us worry about being judged, change our opinions to fit in, or put up with things we shouldn’t.
Do people care less about what others think as they get older?
Many people say they do. Experience helps you see which opinions really matter, and research on ageing suggests older adults tend to react less strongly to negative information than younger people.
How do I stop worrying about being judged?
Start by noticing the feeling underneath, such as fear of rejection or not feeling good enough, and ask whether the story you’re telling yourself is actually true. Spending time with people who support you, and making choices from your own values, both help.
Is people pleasing the same as caring what others think?
They’re closely linked. People pleasing is often what caring too much about other people’s opinions looks like day to day: saying yes when you mean no, avoiding conflict and putting your own needs last.
You can hear more conversations like this on the Tickety Boo podcast.
If old patterns keep you stuck
The beliefs that keep us worrying about other people often run deep. Unpicking them is the work I do in the therapy room, in person at my practice in Carmyle, Glasgow, or online. It starts with a free 20 minute consultation.